Do You Need To Spice Up Your Sex Life?

Many, many couples come to therapy in need of a spicier sex life.  Some, in fact, never even bring this up in therapy but the word "intimacy" is tossed around a lot.  It's not uncommon for people to feel strange or awkward about talking about their sex life, especially when you haven't developed a great rapport with your therapist.  I'm here to tell you - it's perfectly normal to talk about and even though it might feel awkward at first, it gets easier!  Intimacy can be emotional or physical.  Generally, both are necessary for a great relationship to be sustainable - but today let's talk about sex.

Sometimes, couples just don't feel they are having enough.  Other times, they are having plenty but it isn't very adventurous or the "quality" isn't there.  Some struggle to even discuss the topic with each other because they have felt emotionally distant for so long and are afraid to bring it up.  The need for sex to feel close to your partner is 100% normal and as human beings, we are all born with sexual needs - and - over time, those needs change.  Again, normal.  We have to remember we are growing and evolving as people throughout our whole lives, and sex, like everything, will wax and wane.

Therapy can help you explore and become more attune with your own needs as well as your partner’s - but there are things you can do to regain some sexual intimacy on your own.  Here are a few expert tips to help you bring sex and touch back into your relationship!

1. Learn something!  Simply take a few minutes to ask your partner what he or she likes.  You can make it playful; chances are, if you’re having less sex or worse sex, you haven’t really talked much about what each other like.  Why wait to ask? Even talking about it can lead to playfulness or touch.
2. Sensual massage.  A slow, focused massage can be a great way to incorporate touch in a non-sexual way at first, and have some nice, intimate moments with your partner.  Massages are a great way to have uninterrupted time together to relax.
3. Put it on the calendar!  My couples don’t like hearing this one - but it’s the most common complaint I hear.  Lives are busy; kids are the focus. So, plan time for sex. Yes - this means it will not be as spontaneous as it might have been years ago in the back of your car, but life isn’t the same anymore.  There is some practicality necessary here for most couples; desire still exists when sex is planned and working up to this desire is something we talk about in therapy all the time!
4. Touch each other frequently.  Can you remember the last time you kissed, touched, held hands, playfully engaged without it leading to sex?  Even for couples who have been together for a long time, going straight to sex is weird and often doesn’t work. You may have to start by touching, non sexually, more often.

These are easy to understand but can be very difficult to implement.  If physical, or emotional, intimacy is lacking in your relationship, don’t be afraid to reach out for a consultation so we can help figure out a plan for therapy to help you.  You aren’t alone in your struggle!